How often do you cry?

It’s probably been the case for a while, but I noticed that my default face is a bit phlegmatic. Still, I do laugh tears (though there are times where it feels forced to be respectful to a jokest). Other tears I shed usually come from the muscles around my eyes contract when I yawn from sleep deprivation or dramatic acting tears in front of my dad, so that he might shut up about my life choices and leave me alone. He isn't very good at noticing and will annoyingly keep droning on and on for hours, repeating one point of criticism that I am already well aware of. Telling him directly to stop and go doesn't work because he'll say “ok, last thing” and keep me there for another decade.

I cried for more emotional reasons when I was a child, like when I got hit in the face with a soccer ball, my little sister taking my Mickey Mouse stuffed toy, or my mom saying that we can’t go out to McDonalds or Chinatown to eat. Or, when I score badly on a test. But, I hardly sob emotions now. I feel guilty admitting that I didn't even cry when I got word that someone I knew died a couple months back. It might be weird to say that the only two times I recalled shedding tears of potentially misery these past two years was while writing a couple of long, procrastinated history papers that I had trouble making look decent, but most likely because I stayed up late to finish they were probably just tired tears? It's been years since I last cried in physical pain because my dad complains that I’m troublesome to deal with. I usually shrug it off when my sister steals my clothes; I guess I got tired of getting angry at my sister’s thieving habits because she’ll get tired after a few months and it’ll be mine again. I don’t expect my parents to give me money to buy take out. I guess I got used to their stingy response, “No, it’s cheaper to eat at home.” I do complain about the tests that I do poorly on, but I couldn't care enough to cry over it anymore. It's not like tears would change any of those scenarios anyways.

I do genuinely enjoy things and dislike things. But, the expressions just don’t show much. And, that can be a good thing. There was a kid that I was frustrated with. They did minimal effort on a history project; we assigned them to do something, but in the end I had to go back in and fix all their bugs, which turned out to be half of the stuff. I didn’t want them to think I was too rude because I was unhappy with them. Other times, it is a bad thing. People have complimented me before; they say stuff along the lines of “You’re very smart!” or “You’re very helpful!” It’s nice, but then I feel bad that it might look impolite because I don’t physically look more thankful.

I do feel a little jealous of how other people are so packed with enthusiasm or hate sometimes. They are always the type of people with lots of close friends. I once heard a classmate say, “I like hanging out with *person’s name* because they are very interesting person.” To be fair, I feel the same way. But, those words also made me wonder if my indifferent outlooks makes me look like a boring human being. I mean, probably. There aren't a lot of people that approach me first to have a good conversation. So, I’ve tried to copy the ways of those I see with strong personalities. But, it’s not easy. It doesn’t feel 100% natural to me. Like wearing shoes 10 sizes too big.